My Mommy Heart.

Today was an emotional day for me, in many different ways.  I had anticipated this day for a couple weeks, unsure of how things would go and the outcome.  But it came, and now its gone and I'm still here trying to gather my thoughts in order to express the extremely wide range of emotions this day brought me.

Maddox had his evaluation today with Early Intervention.  Since he hasn't progressed with his speech, at all, I decided to seek some help and got a recommendation from his doctor.  They came to our home, spent some time talking about the program, having me fill out paperwork and discussing what they'd be doing.  They asked me questions about things he does, things he doesn't do and had him play with a variety toys looking for specific things.  I was extremely anxious for most of it.  I wanted him to succeed and show them how smart he was, but part of me wanted to cry when I could tell they weren't getting the responses they were looking for.  I know he's behind, but it was having it confirmed by complete strangers who didn't even know him that was hard.  My mommy heart ached for him to be "normal" on their charts and fall in perfectly to where he needed to be.  They did a hearing test and he only passed a small portion of it.  They explained that this could be the cause of his lack of speech communication...that he's just not hearing things well.  I had a feeling that was the case...

Almost exactly a year ago, Maddox started getting ear infections, quite regularly.  They came out of nowhere just a few months before his first birthday and he had probably half a dozen in a little over a 6 months span.  The pediatrician kept telling me that he may need to see an ENT and have tubes put in, but often as the child grows the tubes in their ears develop more and allow for proper drainage.  So when he had his last one in December, the doc gave me a referral sheet.  I went back and forth.  I called to see the cost and that alone deterred me.  I decided to wait it out and his infections stopped. 

So after his hearing test today, they advised me to take him in and have his ears checked for fluid.  If there was fluid, I'd go to an ENT and probably have them put tubes in.  If his ears were fine, they'd send me to an audiologist for more extensive testing.  I sobbed after they left. It was all so overwhelming and immediately I began doubting my decision to avoid the ENT. What if I had just taken him in? What if that was the problem with his speech and he'd be talking more now?  It was an overwhelming feeling to feel like your child is anything but normal according to certain standards.  I called and got him in to the doctor today to see a PA just to get his ears checked and ask for a referral.  After he checked both his ears, he looked at me and said one was as red as the shirt he was wearing and full of fluid...clearly infected. The other was so full of wax buildup that there was only a small pinhole that he could see through.  He performed another test like the one he'd had earlier and explained to me that his eardrums weren't responding due to the fluid.  He's now on an antibiotic and we will return in 2 weeks to retest and assess the fluid. My guess, the fluid will be there but the infection gone...just like all his other previous infections.  I had answers, but couldn't believe I had no idea. He's so happy all day and even though he has woken up at night once or twice the past few nights, I never had any idea anything was bothering him...maybe he's used to it.

So now what? Early Intervention will call next week to set up a time for a learning specialist to come begin working with him.  We will wait to see if the fluids still there in which case we'd go to an audiologist for more extensive testing or we will head to the ENT for possible tubes.  I'm hoping for tubes at this point, because that means this will be a significant help and I don't like thinking about what could be wrong if he doesn't need them.

Wow, this is getting long. Bear with me...or is it Bare? oh well.

I've shed my share of tears today. Being mad at myself, being overwhelmed at this unknown situation. And I have laughed today. Because that little boy is more perfect to me than any standardized test he passes or fails.  As we waited for his prescription and I watched him laugh and giggle and it was just the 2 of us, I couldn't have felt more proud to be his mommy.  There are times when I feel like I am falling short, big time, but his infectious smile and silly personality make that doubt float away.

I've felt love today. From family, from friends, and amazing neighbors.  The ones who watch Boston all afternoon, picking him up from school, taking him to the park and letting him play while I go to the doctor.  The ones who know about the test today and when they find out I'm a little broken, bring dinner over without question and offer words of support and encouragement. I saw a quote online tonight..and I cried, go figure,

"When you feel like you are drowning in life, remember, your lifeguard walks on water."

This was so profound for me because like anything trying in life, I felt like I was overwhelmed in so many different aspects of life. Being a good mom, having to adjust to my husbands long, demanding work hours, keeping up a home, and waiting, yes still waiting, for that light at the end of the tunnel promotion for Curtis.

This hasn't been easy for me, but Heavenly Father knew just what to put in my path today to help lighten my load, to soften the blows, and to speak to my worrisome mommy heart. And then I read this essay today on one of my favorite blogs, and it spoke to me and touched me. The words from a mother who knew normal would never come for her son, but who loved unconditionally through it all feeling grateful for all he has taught her.

Patience is a virtue. This life was not meant to be easy. Endure to the End. Have Faith.  These are all things I'm obviously still actively learning, and its hard sometimes. But I am learning: to find joy in this journey of life, to accept help as its offered, to be grateful for each day, and to humble myself in times of trial.  Because I am a Mom, and its my job privilege, to be keepers of my children if only for a time.