Where I'm At....

I felt the need to journal some thoughts and feelings I've had over the past couple weeks in order to remind myself of how life can be at times. It has been a long time since I have been able to say, out loud, that I am truly happy. Life, as we all know, isnt easy; for some it may be more challenging than for others, but it is a constant learning experience. We've moved a lot, and each place I have struggled to find where I fit and constantly worried about if I'd find friends, people that help you get through the day.

When we moved to New Mexico, it was hard at first being isolated from family and so far from everyone. We grew close, Curtis and I, and I realized how blessed I was to have him not only as a husband, but as an amazing friend. I spent lots of time wishing people would talk to me at church, rather than taking the initiative on my own. I tried looking for people in our situation that I thought we would get along with and have a lot in common. Eventually, I made some great friends, who were all at different stages in their lives than we were. They threw me a baby shower when they hardly knew me and helped me adjust to life in a place that I never expected I could live.

Fast forward to this past January, we moved to save money and knew it was right for us. It didn't take long for us to realize we were where we were supposed to be. The ward has been overwhelmingly welcoming, being visited by the elders quorum and relief society all in one week and then by members of the bishopric. I started attending a playgroup that had just gotten off the ground and I met some amazing girls. I found myself being, well...myself, and I was okay with that. They were kind, welcoming, and genuine. Soon, we found ourselves just outside visiting while the kids played, which led to randomly dropping in just to say hi and find some way to pass the time while we waited for our husbands to arrive home from work.

It reminds me of growing up. Going in and out of my neighbors house without knocking and playing until the street lights came on. Going through their pantry and knowing they had everything we didn't, soda and hostess snacks and pop tarts. Having their mom yell at me when I wasn't wearing a jacket and should have been. Not being able to find my mom at home and knowing she was probably next door.

Its replaying now in my life. Boston knows that the Felix's have fruit by the foot and we don't and begs at the pantry until someone gives in. Taylor has woke up from a nap and called Curt because she can't find me...I was chatting at the Jenkins' while her little girl slept as well. We watch out for each others' kids, without being asked and know the same will be reciprocated. Curtis rarely receives calls promptly at 5 questioning when he will arrive home. Now, he gets home and I'm across the street, pleasantly surprised that the work day is over. We disperse back to our homes for the evenings only to repeat the following day.

I'm enjoying my kids more. I loved Sunday evening watching them splash and play in the river, in their clothes, after a walk along the trail. Such a simple thing brought such delight out of them and having my 3 year old say, "that was fun mom, thanks for taking me". I find myself surprisingly calm when Taylor throws her dramatic tantrums and Boston is found throwing rocks at a neighbors car...or kids. Just like to song on my playlist says, "it wont be like this for long...one day soon that little girl/boy is gonna be all grown up and gone, this phase is gonna fly by, so baby just hold on, it wont be like this for long".

These girls have helped restore my faith in myself, in my ability to be a friend and to welcome new ones. I've always been hard on myself, and still am. But it is a profound feeling when someone you just met months ago doesn't seem to recognize or care about the things that you hate about yourself. To not feel judge, knowing that my worst judgements come from myself.

We are where we are supposed to be. I would be ungrateful if I didn't recognize and acknowledge all the good things the Lord has put in my life. I am grateful. And I'm better because of it. Life really is to be enjoyed, and not just endured...and I think I'm finally starting to see that:)